Well... here we go. SPOILER ALERT! I suffer from PTSD and severe anxiety disorder. It was brought on by my old career as a police dispatcher. As far as can be determined, it was a cumulative thing over the 11+ years I worked in that career. I normally don't like to share my personal medical information like this, however... this disorder can be very isolating and lonely and if I can reach one person by sharing this then it was worth it!
First off, let me stress that I am not a doctor or medical professional by any stretch of the imagination! I can share my experiences but please don't take my information as medical advice. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. I will say, I have not had the greatest experience with western medicine for most of my life and this was no different. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say, it wasn't good. I left my treatment feeling worse than when I went in. I was rather surprised by the approach to PTSD and the treatment itself. To sum it up- it was basically reliving experiences or going to triggering places with a professional until it got normalized. So you could realize you were safe... and I can appreciate that to an extent, but it never actually FIXED anything. The pills kept me numb to a point, but they still didn't take away any of the underlying fear. I certainly didn't feel looked after or safe during or after treatment. I was forced into quitting my job before I was ready. Maybe one day I'll make a video on my whole experience but, today is not that day.
Needless to say, I felt defeated. It could have been so easy to just give up. Luckily, a few months previous to this, in the Summer of 2019 I came across an Instagram ad for CONSCIOUSNESS COACHING™ training. I applied on a whim (because that is what you do when you have PTSD, do everything unconsciously and with reckless abandon) and I was accepted. Let's be honest, I had no idea what I was getting into! But thank fuck I did do the program because otherwise, I cannot be sure that I would be here today. Coaching saved my damn life! I was forced to face my hard truths, my shadows, my conditioning... I had to not only call up my demons and ego but I also had to recognize my strengths. I had to learn to trust myself.... I had to learn who the fuck I was! The actual me.... not the made up me who wore a million and one hats for different events, people and situations that came my way. I had to learn to be consistent! I had to learn that is was OK to be different, that I wasn't less of a person because I had to leave a "good job with a pension" to do something radical and different and "woo woo".
My transformation was other worldly. I began to understand myself! Why I was the way I was... why I did certain things... what my limiting beliefs were. I learned all the ways I was living in fear and forcing myself to do things out of expectation versus alignment and happiness. A picture formed about how I was keeping myself stuck in this miserable state and the stories I told myself to continue these patterns and to keep myself unhappy. Here's the thing... I may not have been happy, but I was comfortable there. In a lot of ways, we are conditioned to believe that we don't have any power or control over our own lives. That free will doesn't exist... once we reach a certain state of life, we are stuck. And that my friends, couldn't be further from the truth! It was this realization that began my route to mental freedom so to speak... I was able to begin releasing fear and expectation and living my life for me!
I threw out beliefs about money and that life had to be a certain way. I began to really connect to myself and decipher what did I truly believe about things or what was I conditioned to believe? This was fucking HARD!!! You have a lot of built up cognitive dissonance over such things and when you strip it down and confront it... oh man!! Shit gets weird! But, it also gets so. much. better! I had to learn to express my emotions and show vulnerability (terrifying!), also I had to re-do my whole mindset about money and what my priorities in life are. I had to deal with the fall out of living my life ass backwards to what I truly believed because I was taught to believe the opposite was true. It was when I said FUCK IT to fear and began to completely change how I was living and operating that I really began to see a difference. My anxiety began to subside.... the nightmares started to abate. God dammit! I felt HAPPIER! I felt SETTLED. I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way! I had HOPE.
So I began to ween myself off all my meds (and I was on a decent amount of them!). I allowed myself the time to do that, promising that I would return to them if needed. I wouldn't be a hero but honestly, I was feeling so good, it wasn't needed any more. So for weeks I slowly lowered my dosage until I wasn't taking anything at all... and I haven't needed it since. I replaced my medication with meditation, inner work and semi regular energy healing treatments. I used crystals for my own self healing and allowed myself to truly be who I was. I felt like a new woman! Only I wasn't a new woman... I just remembered the old one.
Let's be honest though... I still get pangs of anxiety (especially in the times we are in), but I deal with it differently. It passes quicker. I no longer have the constant flashbacks, nightmares and bursts of emotion. I have learned the power of being present and observing my life in the moment. I have learned how to release fear when I feel it building up inside of me- manifesting in many different ways. So when these moments of panic, anxiety and fear strike- I am able to navigate them easier. I am able to pin point what is TRULY causing my anxiety under the surface and calm myself. I can bring myself back quicker and easier. I breathe, focus on being present and ask myself what do I need in that moment. I give myself compassion and hold space. I allow myself to feel through whatever it is I need to feel at the moment. I allow myself to be. That is how I manage my anxiety and PTSD without any medication.
Sounds simple enough right? It's tougher than it looks. It requires a lot of persistence and dedication. However, it is the best thing I have ever done for myself! A total game changer and life saver! As dramatic as that sounds, that's the honest truth. Finding my authentic alignment, my truth.... set me free in ways that I could never have dreamed was possible! I am living a dream life on my terms! By believing in myself! Hot damn! It is a pretty sweet place to be! Do I still have a long way to go - sure. Am I well on my way? You'd better believe it! Are things getting easier and better? Fucking rights! I am excited to get up in the morning and do what I love each day! I am very lucky. My life very easily could have gone another way.... and I am thankful that it didn't. I'm grateful I made the choice to learn how to invest in myself and learn how to be myself again.
Until next time,
R-